September 29 2014, 1.56 am


Untuk setiap hari yang berlalu,
kadang-kadang kita terlupa kita ni pernah jadi budak.
Pernah main sorok-sorok dengan jiran sebaya.
Kalau dah berkumpul, memang riuh sekampung.
The world is the biggest playground we ever have.

Dulu pernah la jugak saya kena kurung kat dalam stor rumah.
Stor tu sebenarnya kat luar rumah kami.
Saya ni pun agak nakal la jugak.
Kayuh basikal sampai ke jalan besar.
Banyak kenderaan berat lalu lalang kat kawasan tu.
Lepas tu kantoi pulak dengan abah.
Saya parking basikal dalam stor, dan dikunci dari luar.

Ada jugak masanya saya malas nak buat latihan matematik.
Masa tu mama suruh saya buat latih tubi.
Saya yang tengah bermasam muka pun padam semua jalan kerja yang dah diconteng kat buku tu.
Mama report kat abah.
Abah tarik lengan saya dan tolak saya keluar dari pintu rumah.
Waktu tu malam.
Anjing menyalak-nyalak kat padang belakang rumah.
I was terrified and begging to him that I want to enter the house.
And abh slammed the door.
I was alone, and crying.
I can remember exactly what happened that night.

And I hate him for the rest of my life.
I hate my own biological father.

Perwatakan saya mula berubah.
Saya jadi pendiam sehingga saya masuk usia remaja.
And I always choose not to look at his face, or even talk to him.
Because I hate him. Seriousy.
Kadang-kadang saya pernah berharap, lebih baik abah takde terus kat dunia ni.
There's still lots of black episodes on my life.
Pernah makan pelempang. Pernah kena rotan.
Hubungan abah dan saya memang tak pernah baik.
He did tried to to talk to me.
It's just I don't really want to open my heart to him.
If I'm truly have a heart, anyway.

But once he passed away, the whole world turns black.
I should be glad, right?
No. I'm totally lost.
Somehow, there are lots of things that I regret.

And I'm always wondering,
what kind of person I would be
if he's not around
when a was a little kid?

Thank you
for everything.

Environment and upbringing mold your personality in a way.
~ Anthem by Hlovate

~Natural Cure~

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